Casey

A Struggle with Chronic Illness

as told by Liz Grant

The Beginnings of Chronic Illness

I started to have stomach issues five years ago. I thought, “Oh, I’ll just stop eating dairy,” like maybe it was an allergy. That seemed to help for a while. Then, a year later, I moved to Colorado and many life factors were difficult, and I noticed that my stomach stuff became an issue again. I would always feel a pressure in my lower abdomen. I wondered if my pain was caused by anxiety, and I even took anxiety meds, but that didn’t help. I started to realize, this is every week that I feel bad. That’s when I tried everything: diets, colonoscopies, I went the endometriosis route—had surgery for that a couple times. All the supplements, all the heavy metal detoxes. I even thought, maybe it’s bees wax in my Burt’s bees, so I stopped using that. But then you go that far and literally anything could be the cause—like something in my house—and that will drive you insane, which makes you more anxious, which causes more stomach aches. At this point, I’ve tried everything that I, my doctors, or anyone else can think of, and still I have no answers.

What It’s Like to Live with Chronic Pain

Now I’m always in pain; I haven’t seen any real change in symptoms in five years. I can feel fatigue, drowsiness, stomach pain, digestive pain…How I feel just depends on the day. I plan when I eat, how I eat, when I’ll sleep, when I’ll rest, when I’ll work out, and even if I do plan everything out, I’m still going to struggle. Even resting doesn’t solve it—though I wish my body would take a rest day every once in a while. What gets me through my days is lots of prayer. Of course, I’m definitely in a better headspace when I feel better, and then it’s easier for me to talk to God; I might pray, “Give me strength.” But when I’m not feeling well, my prayers are just, “I can’t handle this anymore. Can you do something?” The last thing I want to do when I don’t feel good is to be with other people—like thinking of going to Gospel Community group on a Thursday night when I just don’t feel good, and I’m in a bad mood and being a jerk to my husband John, and I need time to myself—that’s when I need to get out of myself. Once I’m around other people I can focus on their lives, and it can sometimes bring me out of the emotional pit. (Though sometimes being around people can be worse.)

Asking God for Healing

Once when I was at this conference, a girl I’d just met was standing next to me, and during worship, she looked over and asked, “Do you need prayer for healing?” I said, “Yeah, I do,” and so she prayed for me. God didn’t heal me then, but to have a stranger turn to me, having no idea what I was going through, and ask to pray for me—that made me feel like God was saying, “I see you.” A few times since then, people have prayed over me and I’ve felt hopeful. And then it’s the next day and I’m still not healed. That’s when you ask yourself, okay, what was that about? That can be really hard. But I also know that every prayer will be answered, even if it’s not this side of heaven. My physical body is wasting away—everybody’s is. It’s never going to be perfect, not even if I am healed.

For the Person Walking through Chronic Illness

Pick running buddies: people you’re close to that you can be honest with, with whom you can share the depth of what you’re experiencing. These are the people who go to war with you, for your heart, who you can text and say, “Hey, I’m really struggling today—yes, I don’t feel good, but also I’m really struggling emotionally.” Some of those people might be folks who are also suffering. Listening to or reading stories of struggle also really helps me to remember that there are so many other people going through the same thing as me. I even have a “when it hurts” playlist—it can be powerful to listen to truth in music for me.

For the Supporters of the Person with Chronic Illness

I have learned how I want to be approached as a suffering person, so that’s made me more aware of how to approach people who are suffering. It just drives me crazy sometimes… I’ll have a dentist appointment scheduled, and someone will say to me, “Well, maybe that dentist will have all the answers for why you’re feeling bad.” And I want to say, “No, it’s only a dentist appointment. It has nothing to do with how my stomach feels.” Or maybe they’ll say, “Well, at least you have your husband.” Or they’ll come with a list of all the ways to fix what I’m going through, asking me, “Have you tried…?” That can feel like people are dismissing my pain—like they feel uncomfortable that there are no answers for me, and they want to fix their own discomfort somehow. It can even be hard for me to stay in the discomfort sometimes if someone asks, “How are you feeling?” Even if the true answer is “Still not good,” I might want to add a “but…” Of course, fostering a heart of gratitude will help me, but I don’t need other people to find the bright side for me. Instead, I need a friend that can rest in the “this sucks” with me.

A Theology of Suffering

I believe God wants to heal me, but if He really wanted to heal me now, He would have—but He hasn’t. I don’t want this to be my story, but it is. And it’s important to rest in the “grey,” because that’s what most of life is. Everybody you come across is going to be suffering in some capacity, and we all have to learn to live fully in our suffering, even when we don’t understand why it’s happening to us. Our life isn’t supposed to be comfortable; you weren’t called to live a comfortable life. Everyone knows that, but I think we all want that happy, healthy life. God has promised to be with us, but He didn’t promise to give us all the answers, or to heal us always, or to make us comfortable; He just promised that He would never leave or forsake us. So as people who are called to live like Jesus, that’s what we’re called to do, too, for each other—to be with people. I guess that’s something that I’m still learning about God. God is not outside of the pain, He’s bearing it with me.
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Psalm 88—Artwork

Learn more about Christ in the Psalms artwork and download artwork guides here.

Person: Jeremy Grant

Jeremy Grant is an emerging artist and award-winning creative director. He was born in California in 1985. He received a B.S. in Graphic Design and Illustration from John Brown University, (AR), in 2007. Grant has exhibited his collage and assemblage artwork in individual and group gallery shows since 2008. His work uses association to uncover themes of destruction and creation, death and resurrection, and chaos and familiarity. Jeremy Grant currently lives and works in Denver, Colorado.

Piece

Collage

PROCESS

Walking alongside Hemen through this song, I feel the pain with him. I relate to the feeling that “suffering never ends”—there’s always something else. If God cares about me, why have I continued to suffer, so repeatedly, so…pointedly? And all the theological questions about God “causing versus allowing” suffering—we know God is all-powerful, so what’s the difference? Hemen points straight at God and says “Your wrath has swept over me,” and “You have made me a horror to my companions.”

Hemen pulls no punches in this song. He is ferociously real. He brought raw and deep wounding, anger, depression and doubt to the people of God in the form of a song. There isn’t a happy resolution or moral, the song doesn’t give an answer. Psalm 88 ends with a haunting phrase, “darkness is my only friend.”

My response, in the form of this collage, is to acknowledge and honor the pain—to visualize it without rescue or resolution. I get the image of someone screaming in the dark. Struggling to stay lucid through waves of pain. Gasping and sobbing.

“Can you hear me? Are you there?
You are the only one who can save me, God…
Why don’t you answer?
Have you left me alone here? In Sheol?”

A dark figure is at the center, covered in raw red streaks, eyes puffed closed, darkness and fire all around. Sheol, the background, is visualized as ambiguous, formless darkness, creation reverting back to chaos, absent of anything but pain.

The only comfort offered here is the assurance that our pain is real, and our only hope is to be honest about it with each other, and with God. Real relationships will weather the difficult conversations, the anger and the pain. God can handle our honest emotions.

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Psalm 87—Artwork

Learn more about Christ in the Psalms artwork and download artwork guides here.

Person: Anna Spickard

My name is Anna Spickard. I’ve been in Denver for a little over three years, enjoying everything the outdoors has to offer. I have always loved art, and my high school art teacher instilled a true passion and confidence in me to embrace my style. I have not formally studied art, but enjoy painting and photography as a hobby, often paired with my love for outdoor adventures.

Piece

Oil painting.

PROCESS

I chose the color palette to mimic the desert tones of Zion National Park, with blues and greens sprinkled in to insinuate abundance, growth, and life in the midst of destitution. Crimson shadows add depth to the painting and remember Jesus’ death, resurrection, and redemption.

I began my creative process began by reading and studying Psalm 87 and other places in scripture where the holy city of Zion is described. My anchor verses include Psalm 87:1,3, and 7, and Ezekiel 47:12.

Oil paint has always been my preferred paint type because of the texture it provides. It can be smoothed into silky lines with a brush or layered with a palette knife to create a rough texture. I used both techniques in the composition of this piece. As I began painting, I referenced a photo of a lush valley in Zion National Park, using this visual to frame the piece. As I continued, I found myself getting stuck as I referenced the photo. I took a few days to reset, and came back with fresh perspective. I chose to stop looking at the photo and let my imagination take hold. It was during this iteration that loose strokes and fresh colors appeared to create the free-flowing and bright piece that you see today.

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Psalm 86—Artwork

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Person: Benjamin Rogers

Benjamin Rogers is a full-time instructor of art at Red Rocks Community College. He has an MFA in painting from Arizona State University and his work has been exhibited across the country.

Piece

Acrylic and oil painting.

PROCESS

This painting exhibits the goodness of God in his protection from the surrounding chaos.  In this piece I have used a hippopotamus as a symbol for David, painting him in a manner that demonstrates how he is outside of the danger of the attacking lion. In this way, it shows that God is faithful and merciful to David. The scene in the background is difficult to discern at first, but when viewed at a distance, it becomes more obvious that it is a lion attacking a water buffalo in an African savanna. It is further obscured by the arcing lines throughout the painting which create a more chaotic scene and make the imagery more confusing. I used this device to communicate the natural world of the flesh, which is juxtaposed with the clearer and calmer hippo which peacefully grazes away from danger.

To create this piece I made a quick monochromatic acrylic painting of the lion attacking the buffalo. Next, I covered the entire surface of the painting with masking tape and drew out the designs of the arcing lines.  Once I had the shapes drawn out, I cut out the shapes with a razor blade and removed the negative shapes, leaving a masking tape stencil on the surface. Then I painted the lion attack in a very gestural manner so that it would only be visible from a distance. Finally, I painted the hippo on top as the final layer in oil paint.

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Psalm 85—Artwork

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Person: Hannah Wood

I am a student at Colorado Christian University, a team leader for Intermountain Young Life, and a backpacking guide for RMR Backcountry.

Piece

Painting, Poured art.

PROCESS

This piece describes the crux of Psalm 85— the harmony and restoration that manifests in God’s peace and righteousness colliding.

When I read through Psalm 85, I knew instantly what I was going to paint. I usually paint portraits or abstract poured art, so I decided to combine those for the first time in this piece. I am honing in my painting style and that combination just worked so well with the message of Psalm 85. As I made this painting, I became increasingly more aware of what a small, manageable reflection of God’s character this painting represents, and that His mystery is far more beautiful than I could attempt to capture.

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Psalm 84—Artwork

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Person

Katie Riehl

Piece

Acrylic painting.

PROCESS

For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does He withhold
from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts,
blessed is the one who trusts in You!
(vv. 11–12)

The message that I get from this passage is the constant reminder of the light of God. It’s no secret that this world is full of darkness, it’s something we are reminded of daily on the news and in our personal lives. Sometimes the darkness can be all- consuming. Psalm 84 tells us to lean on God to find our strength, to find our shield. From the start, I fought the simplicity of this piece. I kept feeling like I needed to add more but nothing felt right. The yellow circle represents the light of the Lord with its size being all-consuming, while the blue represents the gloom that sometimes devours us. This quote from F.B. Meyer sums Psalm 84 up in a wonderful way, “How God suits Himself to our need! In darkness, He is a Sun; in the sultry noon, a Shield; in our earthly pilgrimage He gives grace; when the morning of heaven breaks, He will give glory. He suits Himself to every varying circumstance in life. He becomes what the exigency of the moment requires.”

“Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, Whose heart is set in pilgrimage.” In Psalm 84:5–7 we read of those traveling through the Valley of Baca on their journey of pilgrimage to Zion. It is implied that although this might not be the easiest migration, the traveler gains the strength, by leaning on God, needed to reach their final destination—the House of the Lord. This is something we can apply to all of the journeys we take—big and small, whether it’s a 30 minute trip or something that lasts our entire lifetime!

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Psalm 83—Artwork

Learn more about Christ in the Psalms artwork and download artwork guides here.

Person: Jennie Pitts

Originally from Austin, Texas, Jennie graduated with a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree from Baylor University in 2012. She started her own art business in 2014—“Jennie Lou Art”—and now works as a full-time artist in Denver. She specializes in “live wedding/event painting” and custom pieces. Her studio is in the RiNo Arts District at the Globeville Riverfront Arts Center (G.R.A.Ce.). Learn more about Jennie’s work at jennielouart.com.

Piece

Charcoal and Acrylic.

PROCESS

O God, do not keep silence; do not hold your peace or be still, O God! (v.1)

Growing up, I found solitude and peace with my horses. They are majestic and immensely powerful creatures, yet their quiet strength and soft gentleness instills such comfort. Meditating on Psalm 83, I kept seeing a vision of this gentle horse in the darkness, with his kind eyes upon me. While darkness can feel all-consuming and frightening, the horse’s eyes remain steady and unassuming. It is as though he sees you in the darkness and even though he is silent, he is with you. How often do we feel the same way about our Heavenly Father, majestic and immensely powerful, but who sees us, and comforts us, even in the darkness and the silence?

How our hearts long for God’s presence, especially when we feel like He has withdrawn. When infertility or infidelity seeks to steal our joy, when our loved ones are called home without our understanding, when sickness slowly seeps life from our bones, when life just feels draining and overwhelming… how often have we each come to this place where we cry out and long for God to speak to us? “Oh Lord, give me something to hold on to, PLEASE do not be silent!!”

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Psalm 82—Artwork

Learn more about Christ in the Psalms artwork and download artwork guides here.

Person: Alexander Ramsey

I am Alexander Ramsey—a husband, designer, entrepreneur, adventurer, and lover of God’s beauty.

Piece

Reclaimed canvas, glued and stitched.

PROCESS

This artwork is my interpretation and expression of Psalm 82. After reading and studying this psalm, the word “justice” stuck with me. The psalter calls us to defend, uphold and rescue those who are weak, fatherless, poor, and oppressed. These words made me think of the homeless, immigrants and neighbors who deserve to be loved and treated justly. The word “justice” in Hebrew is צֶדֶק.

The process of creating this piece started on a mountain bike ride in Nederland, Colorado after choosing Psalm 82 for my artwork. While riding past a campground I noticed an abandoned canvas tent and really like the faded colors, stitching and textures.

I took some photos of the campsite, went home and came back a week later to see that it was still there, so I took the tent home. I washed the canvas in my bathtub, cut it into squares, painted my art board, and glued the layers of canvas layers on top. Next I cut the Hebrew symbols into the canvas layers. During this process I realized that I was taking something that was thrown away and bringing new life to it; reminding me that God, through justice, will make all things new.

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Psalm 81—Artwork

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Person: Whitney Ballinger

Hi, I’m Whitney Ballinger! I recently got my master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Denver Seminary. For as long as I can remember, art has played a significant role in my life. Through the mediums of watercolor, photography, ceramics, and acrylics, I have learned to creatively express how I see/experience the world and God.

Piece

Acrylic painting.

PROCESS

As I prayed over Psalm 81, a strong theme I noticed was pride, as God calls the Israelites to turn from their idols and stubborn desires but they do not listen (11–12). He also calls them to look back and remember His faithfulness in bringing them out of Egypt (5,10). My main takeaway from praying over this passage was the picture of God calling His people to trust Him with their needs (remembering His faithfulness to deliver them in the past) and to surrender their idols—specifically the idol of following their own stubborn hearts (12).

This piece depicts the blindness of heart that occurs when God’s faithfulness is ignored. The little girl watering a dying plant reflects Israel trying to bring life apart from God. The umbrella seems safe and necessary to the girl as it is raining (reflecting her own stubborn desire to stay dry and comfortable), but ironically it is protecting the plant from exactly what it most desperately needs… life-giving water already pouring from the sky. The broken watering can more specifically represents an idol (9)—something that is supposed to bring water or life, but is broken and unable to do so.

The rain represents God’s provision and faithfulness, and that if we would open our mouths (put down our umbrellas) he would fill it (10).

Finally, the little girl is intentionally small in comparison to the rest of the painting. Ironically, if she would just gaze behind her, she would be confronted with a stark reminder of God’s faithfulness to grow a whole forest of trees…apart from her umbrella or watering can. Not only the forest, but the grass, wildflowers, and sky dance and sing praises to their creator (1–2) and are vibrant reflections of life in Him; calling the little girl to listen to God, remember His faithfulness, put down her idols, and dance in the rain of God’s faithfulness.

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Psalm 80—Artwork

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Person

Chase Hoffman

Piece

Photography—”Restore Us, O God”

PROCESS

Reading, re-reading, photography and a little bit of gardening.

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