Nikki

Nikki’s Faith Journey

By Nikki, as told by Liz Grant

Growing up with Belief

My parents tried to instill general Christian morals in me and my brother as we grew up: we said prayers before bedtime, we prayed before dinner, and my dad sang us “Amazing Grace.” When our first family pet died—a bird named Gracie—I was only five. Apparently, I was devastated over this little bird. And the morning after hearing Gracie had died, my mom found a note under my pillow, asking God to take care of Gracie. I had put it under my pillow just like God was the tooth fairy or something, which just shows that, as a kid, I accepted that God was real; I never questioned it.

Walking Away

I grew up in Boulder. You find a lot of people there who have been seriously hurt by the church in one way or another, and by middle and high school, I had made friends with people who were very, very against organized religion. I started hearing all these stories from people who had been hurt by Christianity. At the time I didn’t understand that those people were being hurt by other people, not necessarily Jesus. So, my response was to shut that part of me down. Looking back, I realize that I continued seeking faith in my life even during that season. I explored different religions and philosophies as a teenager, getting really into Buddhism in high school. I even read about Hinduism and Wicca! I kept seeking something to fill that gap, but nothing really stuck.

Things Fall Apart

I met my ex-husband at 17, and we started dating when I was 18; he was 25. We started a business together and got married in 2015. From the beginning, our relationship was toxic. He’d already had his life established, and I was this little 18-year-old still figuring life out. I just pieced myself into his life. But he’d always had unhealthy relationships with women and alcohol, and that continued after we were married. Meanwhile, I tried to change myself to become what he wanted. I was always seeking attention, even from other men, just because I wanted anything I could get. I wanted to make myself worthy of my ex’s attention. Yet everything that I’d poured my life into—five years of my life—was slipping through my fingers, and I began to struggle with depression. I was so unhappy and ashamed about who I’d become. I couldn’t even keep sleeping pills in the house, just in case I’d want to overdose when I was in a worse state of mind, and I didn’t want that temptation. I just wasn’t myself; I wasn’t who I wanted to be; I wasn’t me anymore. And you can only pretend to be someone else for so long before it starts chipping away at you. I didn’t have anyone to turn to: my ex and I worked together and I didn’t have any friends, really, because after I left high school, we started dating right away, and I was so focused on him that I didn’t make friends during college. All my friends were his friends. I mean, I had my family, but as things got worse, I just became more alienated from them. I didn’t want to admit that things were bad. So, it was a hard couple of years before we were divorced in 2017.

Meeting Jesus

Ironically, my ex was actually raised Christian, so I first engaged with Christianity again through his parents. Though he wasn’t a Christian anymore (he’d gone way left-field), they were Christians. So my in-laws would talk with me about Christianity. They’d pray for me, and they even gave me my first Bible for Christmas. And I was still seeking something. So, I was like, okay, let’s just learn more about this, even if I’m just reading it as literature (since it’s an incredible work of art). I convinced myself that I should read the Bible. As I became more open to God, one of my ex’s friends invited my ex to church. And then my ex invited me to go with him and his friend to an Easter service. I said, “Yeah, you know what, I don’t know why, but I want to go.” But walking in the church that Sunday—it was so terrifying. Oh, god, talk about a black sheep! Where I was in my life, the person I’d become, was such a far-reach from the person I wanted to be. I had made so many moral sacrifices in order to make myself what I thought other people or my ex wanted from me. So, really, I felt that I didn’t belong at that church because of my past. As soon as I walked through the door, I felt like everyone knew that I wasn’t a believer, that I was an outsider, that I wasn’t one of them, and it was absolutely terrifying. The service that day was mostly a testimony, and it hit so close to home. A man got up in front of everyone and told his story. He had been your typical 70’s hippie: sex, drugs, rock and roll, all of that. He had gone way off the map and eventually became an addict. Then, when he was at rock bottom, he reached out to his dad and asked him to meet him at a bank to help him get a loan to restart his life. At that point, he was living out of his car, and he looked homeless. The man hadn’t seen his dad in years because his life choices had alienated him from his family. And he remembers the moment when his dad walked in the door and glanced at him with disgust, wondering, “Who is this man, and what is he doing here?” And then his father recognized him and the look on his face changed to one of love, like, “That’s my son, and I’m so happy to see him.” His dad rushed over and hugged him. The man made the connection to God: that God sees us as his children, and it doesn’t matter where we’re at in life, God wants us with him. Listening to this when I was at the end of my relationship, when I was so ashamed of the person I’d become—his story really hit me. Then the pastor invited everyone to raise a hand if you were ready to come to Jesus, and I wanted to, but I still felt too scared and embarrassed. I’d spent my whole life fighting what I thought Christianity was because the church had hurt so many people I loved, and I was scared of how my ex would respond to me. But something had shifted inside of me. I felt Jesus’s invitation, as if he had taken my hand and was saying to me, “Hey, it’s time.”

Surrendering

The summer of 2017, after that Easter service, my ex- and I decided to split, and right at the end of our relationship, I actually met someone, a friend of a friend, who goes to Park. And I was able to trust him and open up with him about where I was at with my faith. I started thinking through all the things that had happened with my friends and learning more about Christianity and about Jesus. I also started praying and reading the Bible. I realized that everything that had happened—all the bad stuff that I’d heard about from friends—that wasn’t Jesus, that wasn’t God. That was people hurting people. Then, finally, I came to church with my friend of a friend, and that hole that I’d been feeling, that need for faith, that need for God, which I hadn’t even realized I had inside of me, it just it felt right. I felt complete.

Continued Struggle

That said, I still struggle. The lifestyle I was living before I found Jesus was so against everything that we’re taught as Christians. So, change in my life has been gradual—I have had to make intentional decisions to change because some sins had become so habitual for me. Sometimes it does feel constricting to follow God. Like, for example, I definitely struggle a lot knowing whether I can even get remarried after being divorced. Would that be considered adultery? I don’t know. But for the most part, following God’s commands has been freeing because it has meant stepping away from who I was before. Plus, as I learn more about being a Christian and read the Bible and learn more about what God wants, it just makes sense to me. I haven’t felt that Christianity is like, “I have to stop sinning.” Instead, it’s been like, “the more I learn and the closer I come to God, the more natural it is to follow Him.” I still have feelings of inadequacy—like I don’t deserve God’s love and grace. But the reunion between the former hippie and his father reminds me that God is my father first and foremost, and no matter what I do, no matter what choices I make, no matter who I become, my dad will always love me. So even when I don’t feel that I belong, even when I feel like I’ve gone too far or that I’ve made too many poor choices, or I just don’t feel worthy, I do belong with Him—we all do. We are God’s sons and daughters. And that’s all that matters. We do belong.

Getting Baptized

For me, baptism was the next step. The imagery of being washed clean from who you were, that death and rebirth, was something that I tremendously needed to start this new chapter in my life. I needed that closure from my past life—to be reborn into this new life—and I wanted to be fully committed to Jesus. Still, I needed a push to take the step—that came from a Christian friend of mine from high school. I hadn’t spoken with her since we graduated. As I was making the decision to get baptized, she posted a photo with Jeremiah 29:11 onto social media: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’.” (NIV). I needed that, so I reached out to her to say thank you. She told me, “It’s so funny that you messaged me—I was thinking of you when I posted that.” If that’s not providential, I don’t know what it is! God’s plan really is good. It’s weird to say, but this painful path I’ve walked over the past five years is what pushed me toward God. And looking back, would I give that up? Would I change that, but then lose relationship with Jesus? I absolutely wouldn’t. Of course, it’s unfortunate that my marriage and divorce was my path to Jesus, but if that’s what it took, it was worth it. Jeremiah 29:11 reminds me that it’s okay to let go of control. After five years of trying so desperately to control everything, I could finally say, “This is Your will; Your will be done. Lead me down whatever path You have for me.” I’m where I’m meant to be.
in Blog • Stories (2014–2018)

Ephesians Artwork

Person: Benjamin Rogers

We commissioned Benjamin Rogers to create an original art piece for our series in Ephesians. Benjamin is a full-time instructor of art at Red Rocks Community College. He has an MFA in painting from Arizona State University and his work has been exhibited across the country. He based his work for this piece on several arguments from the text. Here’s how he describes it…

Piece & Process

In creating this piece, I tried to visually connect some of the themes present in Ephesians. Many of these themes are somewhat unrelated in subject matter, so I had to develop a way to allude to them in a tangential manner. This essay isn’t intended to explain 100% of the meaning within this piece, but simply to give you some insight into my thought process.

Ephesians 2:19–21 talks about people in the church as “…no longer being aliens and strangers but members of the household of God”. This led me to use vastly different imagery within the same piece in a way that felt cohesive. The resultant image is almost collage-like, but the overall feeling, if nothing else, emphasizes the colorful top layer over top of the monochromatic(ish) layers underneath. This visually communicates a theme of blossoming, new life, as if waking from a dream.

The bottom visual layer is a pattern made from the life cycle of the cicada. I used the cicada’s life cycle because they remain under the ground for 17 years as nymphs, then emerge and molt their shell and live in the light of day for a couple of weeks and die. This process of climbing out of the ground and living in the light reminded me of Ephesians 4:22–24. This was the inspiration for painting moths and butterflies, as well as the life cycles of a frog and monarch butterfly. The bottom and top layers act as conceptual bookends illustrating the same concept. However, one is generally thought of as beautiful while the other is generally thought of as gross. I really like this dichotomy and think that it is pretty illustrative of human institutions.

Ephesians 4:1–16 immediately alludes to a physical body, which only functions properly when all organs work together in unity. This illustration of the workings of the church body is a beautiful analogy, because it demonstrates that there is a lot of unappealing, unappreciated work that is necessary for the Church to flourish. My goal was to illustrate anatomical renderings of some essential human organs, some whose function is obvious and well known and others which aren’t as recognizable or well-understood. I used the implied line to demonstrate the working relationship between them.

Perhaps the least recognizable theme illustrated in the painting is that of submission, which arises in Ephesians 5:22 and 6:1–9. My thinking on the theme of submission is that items are to be placed in their proper order. To depict this, I used a spiral staircase, because if the stairs aren’t laid in the correct order then the structural integrity is compromised. If people aren’t willing to submit themselves to the appropriate authority, whatever or whomever that is, then the system is compromised and may fall apart. The staircase also acts as a static visual anchor for the rest of the imagery on the painting. It provides a structure through which the rest of the visual elements can interact.

in Artwork • Blog • Music and Liturgy

Psalm 89—Artwork

Learn more about Christ in the Psalms artwork and download artwork guides here.

Person: Irwin Peralta

Irwin Peralta is an oil painter that mainly works with the figure.

Piece

Oil painting.

PROCESS

Psalm 89 starts with praise and the blessing of God’s covenant. However, the mood shifts as the psalmist states that God has brought His anointed low and exalted the right hand of his foes.

First, I observed and sketched from reference that I found. Then, the difficult process of sketching layouts from imagination began. I converted select sketches to digital in order to make monochrome and color thumbnails. As the actual painting began, I applied thinned down paint to get the overall placement. A few tries were needed for me to get the figure in the back to have the feel of light bending around him. The odd colors are to set the figures apart from each other, set the mood, and allow various people to identify with the characters. As always, my intent was to leave the brush strokes showing as much as possible to give the painting life and energy.

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Casey

A Struggle with Chronic Illness

as told by Liz Grant

The Beginnings of Chronic Illness

I started to have stomach issues five years ago. I thought, “Oh, I’ll just stop eating dairy,” like maybe it was an allergy. That seemed to help for a while. Then, a year later, I moved to Colorado and many life factors were difficult, and I noticed that my stomach stuff became an issue again. I would always feel a pressure in my lower abdomen. I wondered if my pain was caused by anxiety, and I even took anxiety meds, but that didn’t help. I started to realize, this is every week that I feel bad. That’s when I tried everything: diets, colonoscopies, I went the endometriosis route—had surgery for that a couple times. All the supplements, all the heavy metal detoxes. I even thought, maybe it’s bees wax in my Burt’s bees, so I stopped using that. But then you go that far and literally anything could be the cause—like something in my house—and that will drive you insane, which makes you more anxious, which causes more stomach aches. At this point, I’ve tried everything that I, my doctors, or anyone else can think of, and still I have no answers.

What It’s Like to Live with Chronic Pain

Now I’m always in pain; I haven’t seen any real change in symptoms in five years. I can feel fatigue, drowsiness, stomach pain, digestive pain…How I feel just depends on the day. I plan when I eat, how I eat, when I’ll sleep, when I’ll rest, when I’ll work out, and even if I do plan everything out, I’m still going to struggle. Even resting doesn’t solve it—though I wish my body would take a rest day every once in a while. What gets me through my days is lots of prayer. Of course, I’m definitely in a better headspace when I feel better, and then it’s easier for me to talk to God; I might pray, “Give me strength.” But when I’m not feeling well, my prayers are just, “I can’t handle this anymore. Can you do something?” The last thing I want to do when I don’t feel good is to be with other people—like thinking of going to Gospel Community group on a Thursday night when I just don’t feel good, and I’m in a bad mood and being a jerk to my husband John, and I need time to myself—that’s when I need to get out of myself. Once I’m around other people I can focus on their lives, and it can sometimes bring me out of the emotional pit. (Though sometimes being around people can be worse.)

Asking God for Healing

Once when I was at this conference, a girl I’d just met was standing next to me, and during worship, she looked over and asked, “Do you need prayer for healing?” I said, “Yeah, I do,” and so she prayed for me. God didn’t heal me then, but to have a stranger turn to me, having no idea what I was going through, and ask to pray for me—that made me feel like God was saying, “I see you.” A few times since then, people have prayed over me and I’ve felt hopeful. And then it’s the next day and I’m still not healed. That’s when you ask yourself, okay, what was that about? That can be really hard. But I also know that every prayer will be answered, even if it’s not this side of heaven. My physical body is wasting away—everybody’s is. It’s never going to be perfect, not even if I am healed.

For the Person Walking through Chronic Illness

Pick running buddies: people you’re close to that you can be honest with, with whom you can share the depth of what you’re experiencing. These are the people who go to war with you, for your heart, who you can text and say, “Hey, I’m really struggling today—yes, I don’t feel good, but also I’m really struggling emotionally.” Some of those people might be folks who are also suffering. Listening to or reading stories of struggle also really helps me to remember that there are so many other people going through the same thing as me. I even have a “when it hurts” playlist—it can be powerful to listen to truth in music for me.

For the Supporters of the Person with Chronic Illness

I have learned how I want to be approached as a suffering person, so that’s made me more aware of how to approach people who are suffering. It just drives me crazy sometimes… I’ll have a dentist appointment scheduled, and someone will say to me, “Well, maybe that dentist will have all the answers for why you’re feeling bad.” And I want to say, “No, it’s only a dentist appointment. It has nothing to do with how my stomach feels.” Or maybe they’ll say, “Well, at least you have your husband.” Or they’ll come with a list of all the ways to fix what I’m going through, asking me, “Have you tried…?” That can feel like people are dismissing my pain—like they feel uncomfortable that there are no answers for me, and they want to fix their own discomfort somehow. It can even be hard for me to stay in the discomfort sometimes if someone asks, “How are you feeling?” Even if the true answer is “Still not good,” I might want to add a “but…” Of course, fostering a heart of gratitude will help me, but I don’t need other people to find the bright side for me. Instead, I need a friend that can rest in the “this sucks” with me.

A Theology of Suffering

I believe God wants to heal me, but if He really wanted to heal me now, He would have—but He hasn’t. I don’t want this to be my story, but it is. And it’s important to rest in the “grey,” because that’s what most of life is. Everybody you come across is going to be suffering in some capacity, and we all have to learn to live fully in our suffering, even when we don’t understand why it’s happening to us. Our life isn’t supposed to be comfortable; you weren’t called to live a comfortable life. Everyone knows that, but I think we all want that happy, healthy life. God has promised to be with us, but He didn’t promise to give us all the answers, or to heal us always, or to make us comfortable; He just promised that He would never leave or forsake us. So as people who are called to live like Jesus, that’s what we’re called to do, too, for each other—to be with people. I guess that’s something that I’m still learning about God. God is not outside of the pain, He’s bearing it with me.
in Blog • Stories (2014–2018)

Psalm 88—Artwork

Learn more about Christ in the Psalms artwork and download artwork guides here.

Person: Jeremy Grant

Jeremy Grant is an emerging artist and award-winning creative director. He was born in California in 1985. He received a B.S. in Graphic Design and Illustration from John Brown University, (AR), in 2007. Grant has exhibited his collage and assemblage artwork in individual and group gallery shows since 2008. His work uses association to uncover themes of destruction and creation, death and resurrection, and chaos and familiarity. Jeremy Grant currently lives and works in Denver, Colorado.

Piece

Collage

PROCESS

Walking alongside Hemen through this song, I feel the pain with him. I relate to the feeling that “suffering never ends”—there’s always something else. If God cares about me, why have I continued to suffer, so repeatedly, so…pointedly? And all the theological questions about God “causing versus allowing” suffering—we know God is all-powerful, so what’s the difference? Hemen points straight at God and says “Your wrath has swept over me,” and “You have made me a horror to my companions.”

Hemen pulls no punches in this song. He is ferociously real. He brought raw and deep wounding, anger, depression and doubt to the people of God in the form of a song. There isn’t a happy resolution or moral, the song doesn’t give an answer. Psalm 88 ends with a haunting phrase, “darkness is my only friend.”

My response, in the form of this collage, is to acknowledge and honor the pain—to visualize it without rescue or resolution. I get the image of someone screaming in the dark. Struggling to stay lucid through waves of pain. Gasping and sobbing.

“Can you hear me? Are you there?
You are the only one who can save me, God…
Why don’t you answer?
Have you left me alone here? In Sheol?”

A dark figure is at the center, covered in raw red streaks, eyes puffed closed, darkness and fire all around. Sheol, the background, is visualized as ambiguous, formless darkness, creation reverting back to chaos, absent of anything but pain.

The only comfort offered here is the assurance that our pain is real, and our only hope is to be honest about it with each other, and with God. Real relationships will weather the difficult conversations, the anger and the pain. God can handle our honest emotions.

in Blog • Christ in the Psalms Artwork

Psalm 87—Artwork

Learn more about Christ in the Psalms artwork and download artwork guides here.

Person: Anna Spickard

My name is Anna Spickard. I’ve been in Denver for a little over three years, enjoying everything the outdoors has to offer. I have always loved art, and my high school art teacher instilled a true passion and confidence in me to embrace my style. I have not formally studied art, but enjoy painting and photography as a hobby, often paired with my love for outdoor adventures.

Piece

Oil painting.

PROCESS

I chose the color palette to mimic the desert tones of Zion National Park, with blues and greens sprinkled in to insinuate abundance, growth, and life in the midst of destitution. Crimson shadows add depth to the painting and remember Jesus’ death, resurrection, and redemption.

I began my creative process began by reading and studying Psalm 87 and other places in scripture where the holy city of Zion is described. My anchor verses include Psalm 87:1,3, and 7, and Ezekiel 47:12.

Oil paint has always been my preferred paint type because of the texture it provides. It can be smoothed into silky lines with a brush or layered with a palette knife to create a rough texture. I used both techniques in the composition of this piece. As I began painting, I referenced a photo of a lush valley in Zion National Park, using this visual to frame the piece. As I continued, I found myself getting stuck as I referenced the photo. I took a few days to reset, and came back with fresh perspective. I chose to stop looking at the photo and let my imagination take hold. It was during this iteration that loose strokes and fresh colors appeared to create the free-flowing and bright piece that you see today.

in Blog • Christ in the Psalms Artwork

Psalm 86—Artwork

Learn more about Christ in the Psalms artwork and download artwork guides here.

Person: Benjamin Rogers

Benjamin Rogers is a full-time instructor of art at Red Rocks Community College. He has an MFA in painting from Arizona State University and his work has been exhibited across the country.

Piece

Acrylic and oil painting.

PROCESS

This painting exhibits the goodness of God in his protection from the surrounding chaos.  In this piece I have used a hippopotamus as a symbol for David, painting him in a manner that demonstrates how he is outside of the danger of the attacking lion. In this way, it shows that God is faithful and merciful to David. The scene in the background is difficult to discern at first, but when viewed at a distance, it becomes more obvious that it is a lion attacking a water buffalo in an African savanna. It is further obscured by the arcing lines throughout the painting which create a more chaotic scene and make the imagery more confusing. I used this device to communicate the natural world of the flesh, which is juxtaposed with the clearer and calmer hippo which peacefully grazes away from danger.

To create this piece I made a quick monochromatic acrylic painting of the lion attacking the buffalo. Next, I covered the entire surface of the painting with masking tape and drew out the designs of the arcing lines.  Once I had the shapes drawn out, I cut out the shapes with a razor blade and removed the negative shapes, leaving a masking tape stencil on the surface. Then I painted the lion attack in a very gestural manner so that it would only be visible from a distance. Finally, I painted the hippo on top as the final layer in oil paint.

in Blog • Christ in the Psalms Artwork

Psalm 85—Artwork

Learn more about Christ in the Psalms artwork and download artwork guides here.

Person: Hannah Wood

I am a student at Colorado Christian University, a team leader for Intermountain Young Life, and a backpacking guide for RMR Backcountry.

Piece

Painting, Poured art.

PROCESS

This piece describes the crux of Psalm 85— the harmony and restoration that manifests in God’s peace and righteousness colliding.

When I read through Psalm 85, I knew instantly what I was going to paint. I usually paint portraits or abstract poured art, so I decided to combine those for the first time in this piece. I am honing in my painting style and that combination just worked so well with the message of Psalm 85. As I made this painting, I became increasingly more aware of what a small, manageable reflection of God’s character this painting represents, and that His mystery is far more beautiful than I could attempt to capture.

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Psalm 84—Artwork

Learn more about Christ in the Psalms artwork and download artwork guides here.

Person

Katie Riehl

Piece

Acrylic painting.

PROCESS

For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does He withhold
from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts,
blessed is the one who trusts in You!
(vv. 11–12)

The message that I get from this passage is the constant reminder of the light of God. It’s no secret that this world is full of darkness, it’s something we are reminded of daily on the news and in our personal lives. Sometimes the darkness can be all- consuming. Psalm 84 tells us to lean on God to find our strength, to find our shield. From the start, I fought the simplicity of this piece. I kept feeling like I needed to add more but nothing felt right. The yellow circle represents the light of the Lord with its size being all-consuming, while the blue represents the gloom that sometimes devours us. This quote from F.B. Meyer sums Psalm 84 up in a wonderful way, “How God suits Himself to our need! In darkness, He is a Sun; in the sultry noon, a Shield; in our earthly pilgrimage He gives grace; when the morning of heaven breaks, He will give glory. He suits Himself to every varying circumstance in life. He becomes what the exigency of the moment requires.”

“Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, Whose heart is set in pilgrimage.” In Psalm 84:5–7 we read of those traveling through the Valley of Baca on their journey of pilgrimage to Zion. It is implied that although this might not be the easiest migration, the traveler gains the strength, by leaning on God, needed to reach their final destination—the House of the Lord. This is something we can apply to all of the journeys we take—big and small, whether it’s a 30 minute trip or something that lasts our entire lifetime!

in Blog • Christ in the Psalms Artwork

Psalm 83—Artwork

Learn more about Christ in the Psalms artwork and download artwork guides here.

Person: Jennie Pitts

Originally from Austin, Texas, Jennie graduated with a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree from Baylor University in 2012. She started her own art business in 2014—“Jennie Lou Art”—and now works as a full-time artist in Denver. She specializes in “live wedding/event painting” and custom pieces. Her studio is in the RiNo Arts District at the Globeville Riverfront Arts Center (G.R.A.Ce.). Learn more about Jennie’s work at jennielouart.com.

Piece

Charcoal and Acrylic.

PROCESS

O God, do not keep silence; do not hold your peace or be still, O God! (v.1)

Growing up, I found solitude and peace with my horses. They are majestic and immensely powerful creatures, yet their quiet strength and soft gentleness instills such comfort. Meditating on Psalm 83, I kept seeing a vision of this gentle horse in the darkness, with his kind eyes upon me. While darkness can feel all-consuming and frightening, the horse’s eyes remain steady and unassuming. It is as though he sees you in the darkness and even though he is silent, he is with you. How often do we feel the same way about our Heavenly Father, majestic and immensely powerful, but who sees us, and comforts us, even in the darkness and the silence?

How our hearts long for God’s presence, especially when we feel like He has withdrawn. When infertility or infidelity seeks to steal our joy, when our loved ones are called home without our understanding, when sickness slowly seeps life from our bones, when life just feels draining and overwhelming… how often have we each come to this place where we cry out and long for God to speak to us? “Oh Lord, give me something to hold on to, PLEASE do not be silent!!”

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